Random Mental Running Thoughts

“Most of those in our society who intentionally set out to hurt themselves are locked up for their own protection. The rest, we call runners.” -Scott Radley

I haven't ran a mile yet. I'm still doing the post half marathon shuffle when I walk around. But it isn't as bad as I expected which both saddens and is okay with me.

I know I could have done a whole lot better pace wise. Like I mentioned below, I've been doing this alone for a while now. The thing is, I hated doing it alone, but now that I'm used to it, I don't want to do it with others just because I'm used to being alone. When I ran my last "5k," I paced with someone and i smashed my mile time and surprisingly, I wasn't tired or burnt out and I kept on going. I realize that at this point, when I have someone there pushing me, I do a lot better. I realized that I'm not pushing myself hard enough.

That takes a big hit on my ego. I mean big. For a while now, I've been my own cheerleader.  Its been me & the road or me & the weights. I mean for a while now.  But realized that in terms of running I've lost that drive to push myself or I haven't been pushing myself is a huge disappointment for me. I'm continuously kicking myself mentally. I know i could have kept my 10-11  minute per mile pace during my half. I know I could have sub 3 and even 2:30. I'm angry at myself because the last run I did prior to the half, I paced with someone and kicked ass. Why do I need someone else to help me do my best? Its a big blow to my ego. I always say for me by me! I guess I just need to swallow some of my ego and accept the fact that running is part of who I am and I know who I am.

I know that I love people. I'm a very social creature and I love to share life, hence the blog.  I always say people are my treasures. The morning of the half, I was really mentally sad and alone and seeing people finish with family and friends around them just made me more sad and alone. I'm also the type to do or die things and when I have something that affects me that much on an emotional and mental level, I like put up walls stronger than a bank vault. I'll man up and try to act all hardcore and be all tough and pretend it doesn't matter when it really does. That morning, thats what I did, but by doing that it just affected me that much more. Thats why I left 5 minutes after finishing my run. I didn't want to be surrounded by all that celebration and there I was sitting off to the corner eating the foil that wrapped my burrito.

That's why I share online. That's why I let people know I'm there. Cuz I know it sucks to not have someone there to share your successes or rant your frustrations on. I know how some days were motivated to run or work out and some days its just mentally draining.  I know how agonizing over what new pair of running shoes to buy feels. How dri-fit socks and Body Glide make the difference! And I want you to know that I know. That I'm here to cheer you on.

To those few who cheer me on, thank you. I know this is for me, by me but you have most definitely made this journey so much more fun that it could have been if I was really all by my lonesome.

A look into the future for me now is to rest up. I'm about to P90x, get some jack3d in my system and beast mode on some weights. I'm really excited to get back on that P90x! I want my muscles back! I have a few races lined up already and I also can't wait to get run another half marathon and smash that time. I'm looking to cut like 20-30 minutes off my time because I know I can do it. I just didn't push myself hard enough, and someone reminded me I was sick, for the NorCal run. 

Thats the beauty of running, the road will always be there. Go out there, run, beat your time, run longer distances, just run.

The road will always be there.  The question is, will you?

Dear White SUV Driver,

Being from Cali where everything and everyone, including the common garden snail, is in a hurry, I understand that your time is precious. I really do. My time is precious too.

But when I've been training and working hard for a half marathon a little over a month from now, and on what is supposed to be my rest day, I decided to run the mile and half to & from the store to get a can of coconut juice [not Zico! Stuff is nasty!] and you almost run me over when I had my "walk" sign on because you choose to not look before turning... well, yes, I'll be mad. I didn't train this long, this hard so that I can't run the half marathon because you decide not to look both ways before turning and ignoring that "walk" signal I had. It also doesn't help that you smile at me. Like thats going to get you anywhere with me. Your freakin SUV was so close to me that I could feel the air as you drove by. I could see the plaque on your teeth and that hair on your mole. I wanted to throw a rock at your car, but I didn't.

So yes, I understand that your time is precious. So is mine. But know this, life is precious; especially mine, EVERYONE'S life is precious. Next time you decide to turn, look both ways. Its not that hard. It was broad daylight, I'm wearing a bright ass pink shorts and a white jacket. I'm 5'6" tall and highly visible. Its not that hard to look both ways before turning.

I would like to live to see my 25th birthday please.

Sincerely,

Very Angry Runner

PS. As much as I hate looping in the park. Looks like thats where I will be at for a while.

Pause!

I'm going to pause my carb cycling.

I'm having a hard time tracking my carbs and really eating that much carbs is a chore for me.  I'm kinda discouraged by it since it should be pretty simple, but its pretty hard for me, but there isn't a point dwelling on that. I'll just put it off till after the half.

I know I gained weight because of the two weeks I was on it, and I know my running will use up the fuel, but right now I'm frustrated cuz I have to think about what I eat and marathon training so I'm just going to pause that one aspect of life right now.

I also know I'm loosing muscle mass, which is also frustrating. I knew my P90x was going to suffer while training for the marathon, but I worked hard for what little muscles I have so I'm sad about that, but I'm going to kick that up a notch.

So right now, I'm just going back to really low carbs and listening to what my body needs after its run. If I need a little more carbs, I shouldn't/won't be afraid to eat some good for me carbs.

Also, being a girl runner sucks. I think guys have it better, here is a list why:

• Guys don't have boobs. They don't need to spend at least $20 for a really good bra. I double up my bras and it gets really hot and uncomfortable.
• Guys don't have periods. You don't have to be bloated, crampy, and irritated.
• Guys have bodies that were built to run. Girls have child bearing bodies.

Those are just some reasons that randomly came up in my head. I hate having to deal with the first two. The last one, that isn't really an issue cuz our bodies are smart and adjust. But imagine running in 90 degree heat, wearing two sports bras and on your period. That is probably the worst case scenario for a girl.

I'm also thinking up more races for the future. I'm going to be traveling a lot till the end of the year and I'm excited for that, but it makes it difficult to see which races I can do. I really want to do another 5k soon, even a 10k, but there isn't much events in my area.

Debating about doing the inaugural Hollywood Half but its really expensive for a half, and I'll have to travel down there, which means it will probably cost me 3x the registration over all to just do the run. I don't mind, since I can see my fam there, but at the same time, why can't NorCal just be more runner and marathon friendly? It will save me some serious cash!

But planning trips AROUND marathons are also fun! I want to do the Niagara Marathon which is the only marathon that spans two countries! You need a PASSPORT to run the race! How exciting is that? I also want to do Peachtree next year! And just so many random events. I'm so excited. I wish someone would take up the same interest as me and would find all this worthwhile cuz traveling is always fun with someone! But I know my friend wants to check out random places anyway, she should be down to travel (not necessarily run) with me!

06/23/2011 Run

Look at that road begging to be ran!

Its about .31 miles (so almost a third of a mile) almost flat stretch of road that runs behind the hilly park where I like to run.  That little incline you see towards the end of the road puts you to work when you're going pretty hard then hit that slight incline. Theres a steeper part where I like to run, I'll take a picture of that next week.

For today's run, I went to said hilly park. The route/loop around the park I take is a little over a mile and I do it twice then do intervals on that stretch of road. I did about 3 miles today when I decided to go home (I drove to the park) because there was a group of guys in the park who was being really crass. A side tip for guys, when you begin to objectify girls and act all crass and crude, remember that we are a father's daughter. That when you have your own daughter you would NOT want them to be objectified like that. Its just wrong.  Have some respect. < / rant >

The sun was really brutal today as well. This park has very little shade and when I looped the park, I can feel my skin burning. Its cray. I guess a downside in running is that I'm getting darker. Yes, I know, I'm still light and I still probably glow in the dark, but I can tell the difference. But I'm getting over that.  But yeah. I have to double up my sports bra and it really sucks to have to run in two bras. Its a fact of life for girls, so if you're guy and you just read that and went TMI, well, you know, you'll deal with it when your daughters start running and have tatas =]

I also didn't eat prior. I had  GU and took my multi vitamin with Gatorade and dipped out.  The GU helped a lot since I my energy level was pretty out there. I was able to jog/run twice of that flat stretch of road (2/3 of a mile) under the blazing sun without stopping! So happy to see progress in endurance. I've been "running" in that park for over a year and that park owned me all the time, I would really walk instead of run. It would take me 20+ minutes to finish a mile lap around the park.  Now it takes me 10-15 depends how sunny it is and how fueled I am. And that park is hilly! HILLY I tell you! HILLY! I'm really happy with my progress tho.  When I get my new gizmo, I can track millage more accurately and I'm sorta looking forward to that, sorta not because I've been so focused on just being able to jog/run for a longer amount of time that I've been sticking to 3 milers.

As far as aches & pains, my left knee (the notorious complainer of the two) is kinda hurting, but nothing too bad where I can't tolerate or I have to brace it 24/7, which I've had to do before.  While running, I had a dull pain in my rib cage, sorta like a side stitch but in my rib cage? A rib cage stitch?  But nothing that lasted too long or didn't go away when I stopped "pushing" it.  Which was kinda a hard since I fartlek'ed today.

But yeah, longest run re-cap ever! Haha. I loved todays run except for those guys. I know I could have ran more! Maybe later on when then sun isn't blazing I'll do another 3 miler. Or really, I should P90!

As far as weight loss, I haven't weighed myself in a while since I'm carb cycling and carb cycling will ultimately result in weight loss but in the beginning weight will fluctuate and I tend to obsess over numbers on the scale. So yeah. I forced weight loss to the back burner so I don't obsess over it. But I know I'm ganing muscle (especially my legs, 'ole mole!) and loosing fat because my clothes are fitting way better. I need to find my measuring tape. Surprsing I can't find one of mine becasue I sew and have a bunch of em!

600 & 0

I'm currently at 600 calories right now at 8:13 pm.

I did P90x this morning had a protein shake (120) & greek yogurt (100) = 220

Went to work for four hours.

Had a turkey "burger" (bread: 80, cheese 70, turkey patty 170 [where can i find turkey patties that are lower than that damn 170!]) = 320

Then had some strawberries = 49

Went for a run just now & ate nothing.

TOTAL = 589

Round it up to 600 because its almost there anyway.

This is compulsive calorie counting for me & its normally my signal to chill & stop. I'm really peeved at my weight and I really want it to change fast.  This mentality is what gets me in trouble because I won't eat. I'm already a lazy eater to begin with. Like really lazy but I seriously need to change this mindset.  Its not helping me mentally or physically to think this way.

My self esteem is at 0 but not eating right won't fix that.

I should force myself to eat -_-



---Edited to Add---

Its 10:34 pm

I ate a turkey patty at 170 and a Balance Bar at 200

for a grand total of 970.  Its not entirely my daily requirement, but better than 600. I can feel the lack too since I ran and P90'ed.


Dear Cat,

Sure you were discouraged and your self esteem is at zero, but today is almost done. Tomorrow doesn't have to be the same.

Love,
Cat

Just Keep Going

I mentioned that I plateaued some entries back.

I've been working out, P90x, for a week now with jack3d & it helps a lot.

I'm just going to cycle it properly because I don't want to be immune to it.

I haven't been running as much as before (I only did two 3-mile runs last week) because I sometimes I just don't have time after working out.

I put together a calendar that will hopefully help me in both areas, not slacking in strength training and most definitely improve on my running.

Here is a glimpse of it.

Sunday- Rest
Monday- Chest & Back, Ab Ripper
Tuesday- Tempo Run
Wednesday- Shoulders & Arms, Ab Ripper
Thursday- Normal Runs (I'm going to alternate every week with hill runs)
Friday- Legs & Back, Ab Ripper
Saturday- Long Runs

Today was actually my rest because I did Chest & Back yesterday.  And to be blunt, my chest really hurts. Its not my boobs, but the muscles behind my boobs. It hurts. I just googled it, that would be pecs right?

Anyway, yeah. So tomorrow, I'm looking forward to tempo running. To remind myself, tempo run is "comfortably hard." It shouldn't be too hard where I feel like dying, but not so easy that I can hold a conversation. Something I can handle but would gladly stop if I could. That is my best understanding of tempo run.

To be honest, I haven't really focused on improving on running. I really like running and part of me is afraid that if I make it so serious, that I'm going to not like running. But a talk last night with a friend is changing that thinking. Also after running the Pasadena, I now officialy have a PR for a 5k, and I want to see that change.

One thing I love about the whole "journey" that this working out and running thing is taking me is challenging myself.  In a way, I feel like I have to be my own cheerleader on this and its fun to see what I can do. However, I also wuss out really easy. As someone put it, "you set the bar, and you just take it off" and I know I do that. I do it to protect my self, my ego, I guess. Its the belief that if you have no expectations, you won't be disappointed. Its something that I recently realized does more harm than good.

So I'll see how actually "training" for a run will be.  As opposed to just go out there and run. Yeah, I do want to see my time improve and my mentality is that when I cut more fat, I'll just be fast, and while there is truth in that, I'm sure that training where I'm at now will not harm me. It will probably be like running with ankle weights, which I used to do (big mistake), but its all over weight. When I drop, I'll be fast cuz I was already training now. Not waiting till later to correct my form, practice my foot work, etc.

At least I'm hoping it will be.

For some up-beat progress, I recently wore clothes I explicity bought for a wedding exactly a month ago. And a lot of them are already too big or fitting better. I wrote a post on body type in the beginning of this blog and I mentioned that I'm a mesomorph. I just took the "test" right now and it said I'm between a meso & an endo.  But one thing I noticed is that when I'm eating right (which includes actually eating) and clean food and working out consistently, I gain muscle really quick. So I know I'm gaining muscle. I'm just disappointed that the chubz is not falling off as fast as I want, especially from my face. But regardless, I'm goign to just keep going.

Blah

I started running to drop some weight, and dropping weight has just become a "perk" of running as opposed to the purpose. But as of late, I've been insecure and focusing on the dropping part.

I would really rather eat a Balance Bar a day than count calories.

I hate thinking and I'm having a hard time tracking calories so I don't drop too fast, which is happening, and so that I don't gain.

I never thought that I would be worried about dropping too fast.

Like seriously... its annoying me.

At leasts its dropping but I don't want flappy skin.

EWE!

I'll just tough it out.