I. AM. SCREWED.

Call me optimistic.

Cal me a dreamer.

Call me idealistic.

Right now, I'm calling me stupid.

I don't know what I was thinking signing up for a 5K with only 20 days after 6 weeks of mandated rest.

I am so disappointed at my run today.

I was set to do an out and back, it was perfect, 3.15 miles, a 5k.

One thing wasn't perfect, after mile number 1, my lower back started to hurt. Not a lot, not like a spine jolting pain that warranted that 6 weeks of no running. It wasn't the same, this wasn't my spine or nerve, it was just my back. I think its my posture when I run. Pushing forward too much and looking down a lot, with good reason, I trip a lot. I feel the need to look down so I wont't trip. None the less, I wussed out. I cut the run in half. From 3 miles to 1.5.

To say the very least, I am so disappointed.

I know I should cut my losses, and even cut myself some slack, but cutting that run short pissed me off.

If I haven't booked my flight, I would so back out of the 5K.  Someone else who is way better could be running in my spot, in the 5k that sold out.

But I do acknowledge that I

• Didn't eat properly. I had a balance bar & an energy drink around 9:10 am this morning, and nothing else.
• I didn't stretch properly. I warmed up, but I didn't stretch.
• Didn't pace myself.
• Didn't put on sunblock.  I'm a Cullen. I can't be in the sun. The whole time I was running, I was thinking about how red I'm going to be for the wedding because I didn't put on sunblock.

With those in mind, I still managed to pathetically finish that 1.5  mile run in 20 minutes. If I double that, that is a super pathetic 5k in 40 minutes. Which is only 5 minutes short of the 15 minute per mile cut off that Pasadena has.

Ladies & gentlemen, I will repeat myself:

I. AM. SCREWED.

But since I'm still kickin' & breathin' I know that there are somethings I can do to differently for the next time that I run, tomorrow, that will help improve either a)my time or b)alleviate my pain, which in turn should improve my time.

So tomorrow, I shall

• Eat right! Gosh darn it! I was doing so well eating right till I decided that I've had enough turkey sammiches!
• Stretch! Especially my back. Oh man.
• Wear sunblock.

I'm also going to run again tonight on the treadmill, probably another 1.5 and see if I can cut that time significantly because treadmill is easier. If I can, I'll feel better about my efforts. If I can't, I'm cutting my losses and just see what happens the day of.

I'm really disappointed tho, there is no hiding that. I'm not going to be all emo here and cry, but I'm super duper disappointed.

But a super duper updside,

I love my Free Runs.

LOVE LOVE LOVE THEM.

I have no pain what so ever except my lower back and I'm not heel striking.

So excited about these shoes, I know equipment is only as good as the person who is using them (TWSS!!!) and I wasn't expecting the frees to be a cure all, but yeah, I like em a lot!

5k

I'm watching Restrepo.

I usually like to knock out to something on Netflix, tonight I chose to watch Restrepo.

Big mistake.

Having my triplet cousins who all fought that war, I'm emotionally invested.

Anyway, I just wanted to say that I'm officially signed up to my first marathon, the Pasadena Marathon! I'm just running the 5k, which is totally fine with me.

I'm scared for a lot of reasons, lets list them shall we:

• I'm coming from 6 weeks of no running. The marathon is 20 days away.
• I'm no where near my weight goal & I'm scared of disappointing myself because I'm going to blame my inability to be skinny over night.
• I know I can walk it and still be okay, but I don't want to end up walking it. My goal is 10 minute per mile, which is where I was six weeks ago.
• I seriously don't want to NOT finish. If I don't finish this, I'm to nade my own legs & turn me into a crawly. I don't deserve them.

Anyway, I'm anxious, I'm scared, I'm being me. So I know that while I'm anxious & scared, these are the same feelings I get when I drive 101 during rush hour, & I've done that plenty of times & lived. So I know I'll be more than okay. I'm just scared because it something I've never done before & its something I don't want to fail at.

I think we need to look at ourselves as who we want to be, & not as who we are now.  If we have this stupid thinking that "I'm forever going to be this way," life is gonna suck so bad. You can look at why I run as to change my self physicaly, but to me its a much more mental thing than physical.  I want to be able to push myself & to challenge myself.  Running is also super theraputic for me. My best runs are always when I'm angry.  I'm not trying to be emo or anything, just saying the truth.  And runners high is no joke, it does happen & it is addicting.  I know for me, this is going to be a lot more mental prep than physical one. I may not look like I can hang physicaly, but you guys haven't seen me run angry. I'm no Olympian, but its something sort of awesome when I run angry. Someone get me angry that day. Haha. Just kidding. Its just a lot of mental prep, I shouldn't rely on anger to fuel my runs.

So while in a way, I feel like this first marathon gives me some sort of validity in calling myself a runner (which is why I will nade my own legs if I don't finish a 3.x mile run, cuz thats my distance everyday),I was a runner when I put on my shoes & ran; and it wasn't for PE.  Maybe you'll disagree, but thats how I see it. I may not be the fastest, the prettiest, the best, the whatever-est runner out there, but I am a runner.

So yeah, if you're up in my area, cuz I'm no where near Pasadena actually, and want to train, hit me up!

Thank to awesome people who are hosting me tho.

Setting Goals

I don't have a tracking number for my shoes, so I'm not sure when they are supposed to get here. All I know is by the middle of this week is what the guy at the store said.

Today, at Jamba Juice, I saw some dude wearing the Reebok ZigTechs. I asked him how he liked them and he said he has had his pairs for three years and they still holding up strong.  ZigTechs are supposed to give you a bit of boost and supposed to prevent shin splints. I didn't ask him about that, but he did say that they stabilized his feet really well.

I bet they work well, but to be honest, they ugly.  The FreeRuns work well and they ain't ugly.

#winning

Anyway, setting goals.

Seriously one of the things that motivate me is challenging myself. I hate it when people tell me "no" or that "I can't," however, to be honest, I tell myself "you can't" and I usually listen to myself. Which has saved my butt a few times, but at the same time, I've missed out on more things because of that.

At first, I decided to run because its the quickest, and cheapest, way to cardio and use up calories.  And its easy to HIIT with running, obviously. People ask, "Did you just learn to like running?" And to be honest, it isn't me as much as it is my body.  After even two weeks of solidly running, you're body CRAVES that run.  Maybe it was just for me, but I love love love the feeling of being stinky and sweaty after a solid run.

After a while tho, it does kinda get boring. I mean it never got boring for me, but I mean maybe for you it might get boring.  I've been told that one way to keep pushing at it is to sign up for marathons.

I told my sister that I wanted to sign up for a marathon, and her reply was this:

"You're going to pay so you can run?"

Pretty much. Like with anything, any monetary investment tends to motivate us to do well since we paid for it. 

Here is my disclaimer tho: read the description to the right, "This is where I pretend to know anything about running..."

I haven't ran a marathon. I wanted to do one this past weekend but it wasn't a timed event. And I really want to knock out "5k finishers medal" from my list of four medals (5k, 10k, half, & full). I was looking for marathons in my area, and damn, they all suck. Like either at least a half and I know I'm not ready for a half, and I have this thing where I would want to do it order, 5k, 10k, half, & full (; Its just a quirk I have.

A 5k, about 3 miles, is very do-able for me. My normal route is more than that and most marathons have a 15 minute per mile pace maximum and that is totally do-able for me! I mean I don't push myself during my runs, I really don't. Last time I ran like I stole it, I kinda injured my back. Hah. But I know and I know that if I push myself, 15 minute mile is totally do-able. I doubt I'll be bossin' & flossin' like a friend who completed at 5k in like 30 minutes (correct me Aldrin), but I can totally do a 15 minute pace. I can powerwalk that stuff and still survive.

Setting goals, here is mine:

5K by the time I'm 25 (which is in August 11)

So now the right opportunity has to present itself. I've been stalking active.com for events in my areas, and so far nothing. I even extended the search to a bit further and so far nothing. I want a finishers medal, which isn't really given at all events. I think that's why I'm kinda grumpy, cuz they don't offer it! Hahaha. Hey, I want something to commemorate the run by alright!


So if you know of any events, let me know! But um, keep in mind, I want a finishers medal =Þ

If I can't find an event by August 11, I'm making my own event and ordering my own medal. Which is lame, but hey, I want my finishers medal.

Self Image & Motivation

Alright! One more week left of my 6 week rest!

I actually did a-lot today. More than I've done in a while. Went for a quick 15 minute bike ride. Covered a lot of ground in a bike in fifteen minutes. Surprised about that because well, I'm a runner. Then resistance bands. That was this afternoon/morning. Then just now did a one mile on the treadmill at about 3 mph. Which is what normal humans are supposed to be able to accomplish.

Keep in mind, I'm hardly normal. First, I'm coming off an injury and second, I'm trying to cut weight. So 3 mph keeping that in mind is pretty good. When I run, I usually get 4 mph, which isn't bad, but it isn't at all great.

Which leads me to this: SELF IMAGE & MOTIVATION.

A lot of people ask what is my motivation.

First of all, like I said even my 4mph pace isn't that great.  Lets face it, I'm not an Olympian and my body is NO WHERE near its optimum performance capacity (I totally made that term up, it doesn't make sense to me right now, I'm crackin' up).  There are days when I beat myself up over my workout, which to me includes when I eat wrong (which includes not eating at all) and then there are days when I'm happy about my workout.  But those things don't matter as much as keeping motivated so that you don't a)plateau when you're happy about your work outs and b)give up when you're sad about them.

I'll be blunt here because that's how I am (I first typed that's how I roll, then I realized blunt & roll. haha). When I decided to take this giant undertaking up, I was completely dissatisfied with myself. I had this really bad self image, and some days I still do, and it came to a point where I was so uncomfortable with myself when I looked at the mirror that I literally would gag. Ladies, I know I'm not the only one. That way of thinking isn't so much that we are fat or skinny. I have a friend who self admitted that she, a skinny petite girl, is uncomfortable with her own weight.  She hates it! So really, it isn't really our physical condition as much as it is our mental one.

So at first, that was my motivation. I was pounding pavement everyday, 4 miles a day. Followed by a either Insanity or P90x.  Sure the soreness felt good. Sure it felt that I was putting work into it and after a month, it was giving really good results. But I was still looking at myself stupidly.  The outside was doing well, the inside, not so much. I was also warned by a good friend that putting in that much miles would bust my knee. Guess what I did after that first month, I busted a knee. I had to brace it and everything for a while. I was hobbling around and just being miserable that I couldn't run. I felt that I should be doing something because I couldn't gain that weight back because I put it a ton of work to get it out. I was eating like a rabbit (if rabbits ate a ton of turkey sammiches in addition to greens) and just putting in work in working out and eating. I didn't want to fall back. Unfortunately, after my knee thing, came my back thing. And more feelings of uselessness ensues. I have one more week till my six weeks is up and I can't wait to get back out there.

One thing we all have to realize, me included, is that wrong motivation will damage our self image. We will NEVER be satisfied with the way we look because we are our own worst critics. What I had to learn for myself was to look at it from a completely different angle:

It went from:

I hate the way I look. So much that I gag at my reflection. That's why I'm going to put in all this work till I reach satisfaction (which in reality, we "can't get no[ne]" of).

to

I want to have an increased quality of life. I want to live long and avoid sicknesses by being physically fit. 

Is there a difference? To me there is.

First of all, like I said, we probably will never reach "satisfaction." Were just so darn critical of ourselves.  With that first motivation, it will be hard to stay motivated when we're trying to get somewhere we can't get to.  Also, if you think about it, that first motivation, you are putting yourself in a place of comparison with others.  Every time you do that you're entering the TWILIGHT ZONE. Its hard to get out from and its a very trippy place to be in. Lets just put our honest hats on someone will always be better at something than you & you will always be better at something that someone.  Its just how it is. If you want to beat someone out at anything, be the best YOU that you can be, no one can be better at being you than you, but that's for another blog post. Anyway, yeah. When you reach the point where you're gagging at your own reflection, that's something exercise alone can't fix.

I know "I want to increase my quality of life" sounds so boring.  But its the truth. Being physically (and in a way emotionally) fit is a life long thing. You can't work out when you're 20 till you're 35 and hope that those workouts pay off when you're 40 till you're 55.  You have to keep at it, its a life long thing.  You also can't eat healthy when you're 20-35 and abandon that eating habit when you're 40-55 and hope that all those veggies you ate back then can fuel you now. It just doesn't work that way. Realizing that its really a totally complete change of lifestyle (its not that bad, I'm not some strictly tofu only person, I love In N Out) in both physical activity and eating personally makes it much more achievable for me. I'm doing this so I can better my future. So I can be around for my kids, my grand kids, and my pets too.

So if anyone asks me now what my motivation is, its this:

I want to live long. I want to have an increase quality in life. I want to be able to see my kids & their kids (can you tell I love kids?) live.

Those three are my main ones. And what I found along the way, is that those top three motivations breeded little baby motivations, and those babies make it more exciting. They just add to the whole journey. I want to be able to run in marathons, I love being able to challenge myself in terms of changing something I thought I never could (my body & self image), I want to have at least 4 finishers medal one for a 5k, 10k, half, & full. I love being able to see my clothes size drop.

And just those tiny perks that come with it. But those are by no means my main motivation.  To think long term, to believe that what I'm doing will benefit me not because I have my medals or wear a size 4 or finished a 52 miler or whatever, but because I will get to live long. I will get to have an increase i my quality of life. And to me most importantly I will get to see my kids and them have kids, and maybe great grand kids!  That's what matters to me.

What matters to you?

Week 4

I'm on week four of rest. Two more weeks till I can run again as per the advice of the doctor.

I'm restless to say the least, but I'm looking forward to being able to run again.

In a way, its a fresh start. I'm going to buy a new pair of shoes, meticulously track my progress, and more importantly, have fun with it.

I'm inspired by those type of people who can really really track their progress and just be super macro about details.  Unfortunately, if I try to be like those people,  I get a giant head ache and get sad I'm not those type of people. So I just stay me and have fun with that. I'll do my best to be detailed, but if not, its okay.

A lot of people ask how I stay motivated.

To be honest, I have a whole lot of insecurites about the way I look. But really, REALLY, that isn't motivation. Its a stupid and wrong way of looking at myself. I had to change my mind and when I let the truth sink in that its the wrong of way looking at things my motivatio changed from that to:

I want to be healthy because I want to have an increased quality of life. I want to live long and see my kids have kids. I want to enjoy my life and not worry about sicknesses.

Its more of life thing as opposed to once I meet my goal, my life will be easier cuz I am not feeling ugly. See the difference?

Anyway, yeah! Thats why I've been MIA for a while, not much to blog about working out/running when you can't do much of one or any of the other.